Chapter 3: It’s the Goddamn Weekend

…and that means a lot of these shots, and a lot of detoxing from work and otherwise attempting to reduce the amount and frequency of grey hairs I will inevitably receive.  Yes, it’s a bit of a cop-out, and some might argue that the weekend is the perfect time for writing, but what kind of neglectful dolt would I be if I used the weekend for writing about vidjamagames?  I’d rather be out somewhere pastoral, being attacked by overly-attractive people while being photographed.

Yep, I’ve lost my mind.  If that’s the case, more is likely on the way.

Chapter 2: Gordon’s Vodka

In short: now I know why people insist that there are generally accepted times in one’s life to drink.  And owners of websites about video games should not be allowed near this stuff at any time.  Or Powerade.  Or be able to mix them together and form extremely alcoholic Powerade.  Why?  Well, now I get to play Metroid Prime Trilogy while drunk.  That’ll help me get that grapple beam so much faster!

At least I had the audacity to mix it into the Powerade I got with my meatball sandwich from Subway.  Dammit, this is sounding more and more like a series of advertisements, so I’m killing it there.  Damn you, Gordon’s Vodka.  And/or my roommate for buying so much of it it.  And/or Subway for stocking Powerade.  And/or me for writing a post on my website while tipsy.

Since I seem incapable of updating you anymore due to a combination of factors within and without my control, I’ve decided to expose their insidious nature here, naked in all its glory, for you to see.  Let’s hope there’s nothing smelly or… pornographic.  That’s just icky.

Since I’m not known for my brevity, let’s start by breaking that trend and get right into it:

Chapter 1: Metroid Prime Trilogy

I both hate and love this game.  The love is obvious — all three Metroid Prime games with Wii controls, widescreen presentation, and all those nifty little upgrades that our European and Japanese brothers and sisters got (oh, how I love you 10 missile pickups!) all on one disc?  Sounds like an easy thing to love.  Except that I already own all three of these games, and the argument against me being a consumer whore becomes more difficult with the release of each one of these things.  “Why must you sit on the shelf all cute-like until my eye scans across it?”, I asked.  “VGPanda.com is my one true love, and you could never take him..  a..way…. f-from…  I must have you!”  I admit it — I am weak in the face of such a seductive master.

Truth be told, my sweet, I was in a Best Buy when I first learned of the existence of this game at all (my god I am out of the loop) and it, along with my other new discovery “Cursed Mountain” turned what should have been an obvious joke (Ha ha ha! Let me check out the Wii games to see if there’s anything worth getting! What rubbish!) into a genuine debate.  I succumbed to familiarity because like all Americans, I am afraid of the new and unfamiliar, reasoning that Cursed Mountain couldn’t possibly be good enough for me anyway.

I mean, come on!  Never heard of it?  Check.  Unknown developer? Check.  Mature horror-themed game for the Wii that I’m actually supposed to think has a chance of not sucking?  Well.. we’ll file that one under maybe.  I try to be a fair man, if nothing else.  And in the end, I walked outta that store with my $50 fling, confident that I would have been burned otherwise.

*checks reviews for Cursed Mountain*  Well, shit.  Now I have to go back to Best Buy..  right after I finish playing through all three Metroid Prime games.  Again.  Practically guaranteeing that I’ll not update you for another six months or so.  Yes, dear, I’m aware that I have other projects in the works, but it’s not like I had any chance of actually finishing my video review of…  Oops!  Almost gave it away!  Why do you try and trick me when I am only here to be honest with you?  Oh, you twist me hither and thither, my love, but you always know I shall return to you..

This letter is not over.  I shall write more tomorrow, I promise!  Until then, I am ashamed to say, I hear the master calling me.  He says… he says…?  S-something about… I can barely hear him from the other room…!

“…grapple beam…”
“…you must come back and find…”
“..the grapple beam…”

Damn you, Metroid Prime Trilogy.

This is actually how I update my blog

Why the sudden Blog?  Because, amazingly, I have things to say about non-videogame topics but I don’t want this shit cluttering the pretense of professionalism I have on the front page.  Here, I’m imagining it being all about screaming and cursing and giving people the finger.  There, it’s the same thing but I try to put it in a nice box for y’all.

This Is Grog!

If only we all could be so jovial
about ingesting mild poisons

And now, why the Grog?  Well, have you been to Earth lately?  About the only thing keeping us from killing ourselves is our own Grog of choice.  Whether it be some literal brewsky or some alternative chemical aid, we all gotta fuck ourselves up in our own way.  This is the Blog that cares, and as such will be providing a Grog recommendation with each post.