Chapter 3: It’s the Goddamn Weekend

…and that means a lot of these shots, and a lot of detoxing from work and otherwise attempting to reduce the amount and frequency of grey hairs I will inevitably receive.  Yes, it’s a bit of a cop-out, and some might argue that the weekend is the perfect time for writing, but what kind of neglectful dolt would I be if I used the weekend for writing about vidjamagames?  I’d rather be out somewhere pastoral, being attacked by overly-attractive people while being photographed.

Yep, I’ve lost my mind.  If that’s the case, more is likely on the way.

Chapter 2: Gordon’s Vodka

In short: now I know why people insist that there are generally accepted times in one’s life to drink.  And owners of websites about video games should not be allowed near this stuff at any time.  Or Powerade.  Or be able to mix them together and form extremely alcoholic Powerade.  Why?  Well, now I get to play Metroid Prime Trilogy while drunk.  That’ll help me get that grapple beam so much faster!

At least I had the audacity to mix it into the Powerade I got with my meatball sandwich from Subway.  Dammit, this is sounding more and more like a series of advertisements, so I’m killing it there.  Damn you, Gordon’s Vodka.  And/or my roommate for buying so much of it it.  And/or Subway for stocking Powerade.  And/or me for writing a post on my website while tipsy.

Since I seem incapable of updating you anymore due to a combination of factors within and without my control, I’ve decided to expose their insidious nature here, naked in all its glory, for you to see.  Let’s hope there’s nothing smelly or… pornographic.  That’s just icky.

Since I’m not known for my brevity, let’s start by breaking that trend and get right into it:

Chapter 1: Metroid Prime Trilogy

I both hate and love this game.  The love is obvious — all three Metroid Prime games with Wii controls, widescreen presentation, and all those nifty little upgrades that our European and Japanese brothers and sisters got (oh, how I love you 10 missile pickups!) all on one disc?  Sounds like an easy thing to love.  Except that I already own all three of these games, and the argument against me being a consumer whore becomes more difficult with the release of each one of these things.  “Why must you sit on the shelf all cute-like until my eye scans across it?”, I asked.  “VGPanda.com is my one true love, and you could never take him..  a..way…. f-from…  I must have you!”  I admit it — I am weak in the face of such a seductive master.

Truth be told, my sweet, I was in a Best Buy when I first learned of the existence of this game at all (my god I am out of the loop) and it, along with my other new discovery “Cursed Mountain” turned what should have been an obvious joke (Ha ha ha! Let me check out the Wii games to see if there’s anything worth getting! What rubbish!) into a genuine debate.  I succumbed to familiarity because like all Americans, I am afraid of the new and unfamiliar, reasoning that Cursed Mountain couldn’t possibly be good enough for me anyway.

I mean, come on!  Never heard of it?  Check.  Unknown developer? Check.  Mature horror-themed game for the Wii that I’m actually supposed to think has a chance of not sucking?  Well.. we’ll file that one under maybe.  I try to be a fair man, if nothing else.  And in the end, I walked outta that store with my $50 fling, confident that I would have been burned otherwise.

*checks reviews for Cursed Mountain*  Well, shit.  Now I have to go back to Best Buy..  right after I finish playing through all three Metroid Prime games.  Again.  Practically guaranteeing that I’ll not update you for another six months or so.  Yes, dear, I’m aware that I have other projects in the works, but it’s not like I had any chance of actually finishing my video review of…  Oops!  Almost gave it away!  Why do you try and trick me when I am only here to be honest with you?  Oh, you twist me hither and thither, my love, but you always know I shall return to you..

This letter is not over.  I shall write more tomorrow, I promise!  Until then, I am ashamed to say, I hear the master calling me.  He says… he says…?  S-something about… I can barely hear him from the other room…!

“…grapple beam…”
“…you must come back and find…”
“..the grapple beam…”

Damn you, Metroid Prime Trilogy.

Hitler Panda gives it one arm straight out. DOWNLOAD IT NAO! NAO, WORM!!

Okay, bad example.  Maybe you just want to be taken on an audio tour through a game series with some seriously kick-ass music.  Well, I have the show just for you!  Just what series is that?  Ah heck, I’ll tell ya, darlin’ – Unreal, of course!

This podcast is my first serious audio project, or project of any kind, in years.  Besides, y’know, this whole website.  But whereas I cranked out the most lengthy and meticulously-edited post in two days, this thing has sucked up literally every second of free time I’ve had since I started working on it eight days ago.  I had been thinking about some way to do a radio show for a very long time, and the idea for this one literally came to me as I walked to work one Friday morning.  When I got home, I tossed around some ideas and made that eleven minute preview I posted up last week.  Confident that I “still got it”, as the kids say, I decided to try and write the entire rest of the show and get it up as soon as possible.

I had no idea that it would end up taking over fifteen hours to write, edit, and record, and then another eight hours to produce, level, and master.  The script ended up being over 6,000 words long, making it the single-longest piece I’ve ever written.  All the production on top of it just makes it the most challenging endeavor I’ve ever undertaken.  It was completely worth it, of course, but I’m definitely going to wait a bit before I start my second one of these.  ‘sides, I gotta play some games to be able to talk about ‘em, right?

So!  Give ‘er a listen and let me know what you think.  If you listened to the preview I posted last week, you can safely skip the first eleven minutes of part one if you like as that part is completely unchanged.  I really hope you enjoy it!

VG Panda Radio Episode 1 Part 1 [43:12]  (Right-clicky save-asy!)
VG Panda Radio Episode 1 Part 2 [43:16]  (Right-clicky save-asy!)

Track list after the break — but listen to the show first!  It’ll sound better that way, I promise.

You might have to throw a wide, ten second lasso around these times, as the VBR encoding makes exact time-seeking in long files a bit of an awkward science.

Part 1:
[00:00] Ninja Gaiden (NES) – First Level
[01:22] Chris Child – Background Loop 01
[01:37] Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Arcade Game (NES) – First Level
[02:41] Super Mario Brothers (NES) – Level 1-1
[03:29] Metroid 2 (Game Boy) – Opening Area
[05:27] Rise of the Triad (PC) – Run, Smeg, Run!
[06:57] Heroic Deeds MIDI by Unknown Artist
[07:52] Journey Begins – MIDI Music Demo by Jeremy Soule
[09:31] Purple Motion – Aqua
[11:13] Unreal (PC) – Flyby
[12:05] Unreal: Return to Na Pali (PC) – Return to Na Pali Theme
[14:24] Unreal (PC) – Dusk Horizon
[16:18] Unreal: Return to Na Pali (PC) – Interlude II
[18:51] Unreal (PC) – Newmca7
[21:27] Unreal: Return to Na Pali (PC) – Main Title
[24:28] Unreal: Return to Na Pali (PC) – Nagomi Passage – Day
[27:09] Unreal: Return to Na Pali (PC) – Neve’s Crossing
[32:00] Unreal Tournament (PC/PS2) – Title
[33:58] Unreal Tournament (PC/PS2) – Menu
[35:03] Unreal Tournament (PC/PS2) – The Course
[37:12] Unreal Tournament (PC/PS2) – Go Down
[38:34] Unreal Tournament (PC/PS2) – Razorback
[40:06] Unreal Tournament (PC/PS2) – Ending
[41:56] Unreal Tournament (PC/PS2) – Botpack #9
[42:58] Chris Child – Background Loop 01

Part 2:
[00:10] Unreal Tournament 2004 (PC) – UT2004 Menu
[01:12] Unreal Tournament 2003 (PC) – Main Menu
[02:34] Unreal Tournament 2003 (PC) – Mercs Entrance
[03:35] Unreal Tournament 2003 (PC) – Jugs Entrance
[04:30] Unreal Tournament 2003 (PC) – Stage Music
[06:04] Unreal Tournament 2004 (PC) – Skaarj Assault
[08:05] Unreal Tournament 2003 (PC) – Corrugation Rise
[10:09] Unreal Tournament 2003 (PC) – Convoy
[11:44] Unreal Tournament 2003 (PC) – Rankin
[13:39] Unreal Tournament 2003 (PC) – Level 3
[14:08] Unreal Tournament 2003 (PC) – Level 6
[16:30] Unreal II (PC/Xbox) – Hybrid
[18:18] Unreal II (PC/Xbox) – Intro
[19:43] Unreal II (PC/Xbox) – Sanctuary
[24:18] Unreal II (PC/Xbox) – Hell
[25:25] Unreal II (PC/Xbox) – Ending
[26:55] Unreal II (PC/Xbox) – Sulferon
[31:30] Unreal Tournament III (PC/PS3/360) – Unreal Tournament Theme (UT3 Remix)
[32:41] Unreal Tournament III (PC/PS3/360) – Unreal Tournament Title (UT3 Remix)
[33:36] Unreal Tournament III (PC/PS3/360) – Afterburn
[34:52] Unreal Tournament III (PC/PS3/360) – Defector
[36:28] Unreal Tournament III (PC/PS3/360) – Plasma Oscillator
[39:15] Unreal Tournament III (PC/PS3/360) – Frozen Babylon
[42:46] Unreal Tournament III (PC/PS3/360) – Robo Mall
[43:55] Unreal (PC) – Nali Chant
[44:30] Unreal (PC) – Escape From Na Pali

This first show is about video game music.  I don’t know if all of the shows will follow the same format but with different games (assuming my charred remains can still function to create more shows) but this should give you a feel for the kind of show I’ve always wanted to hear.  As it is primarily about the music, I tend to step out of the way and let you listen and enjoy for yourself — I’m just the guide, jumping in now and then to provide context and keep things moving.

This preview, then, is the first eleven minutes of the show, which is how long my introduction ended up taking before getting to the main topic.  And just what is that topic?  You’ll have to tune back in when the finished project goes up here in a week or so!

Until then, I hope you enjoy!

VG Panda Radio Episode 1 Preview!  [11:00]  (Right-clicky Save As plz!)

P.S.  Happy Halloween, kids.  It’s my face.

*collapses*

Basically, this game sucks.

More to come.  In the meantime, here’s a picture of me indicating that I think you, yes you, are awesome!

Hot DAMN you’re lookin’ fine tonight!

Unfortunately, the sum total of what I have is likely to entertain only the most deprived individuals, perhaps those kept in a dungeon and sexually assaulted on a daily basis.  To the rest of us, I imagine watching this stuff would result only in boredom at best.  At worst, it may bring a man to weep.  Well, to be fair, another man.  The first one was me, of course.

So, what do I do about all this video?  Is this the editing challenge of the century or should I actually attempt to cobble together a coherent narrative that highlights the worst part of my life for the entire world to see?  I have not decided.  If only the world had a phone number I could use to get a consensus opinion about whether this sort of thing is even wanted.  That’s the trouble with the world.  No obvious consensus.

Ah, faceless multicolored youth of the world, why can’t you answer a simple question for me?

I guess I’ll just have to make up my own damn mind, and if I end up with something to show, let the world judge it based on its own merits.  There’s a wacky route to take.

This is actually how I update my blog

Why the sudden Blog?  Because, amazingly, I have things to say about non-videogame topics but I don’t want this shit cluttering the pretense of professionalism I have on the front page.  Here, I’m imagining it being all about screaming and cursing and giving people the finger.  There, it’s the same thing but I try to put it in a nice box for y’all.

This Is Grog!

If only we all could be so jovial
about ingesting mild poisons

And now, why the Grog?  Well, have you been to Earth lately?  About the only thing keeping us from killing ourselves is our own Grog of choice.  Whether it be some literal brewsky or some alternative chemical aid, we all gotta fuck ourselves up in our own way.  This is the Blog that cares, and as such will be providing a Grog recommendation with each post.

Anyway, this communication began with a cold call he made to my office asking if we ever had any people coming to town that we would put up in a hotel.  After giggling a little bit, I told him that most people don’t think our office is nearly important enough to visit with any regularity, and even though I don’t actually know what we do with those few who visit, I very much doubt we provide them with anything more illustrious than a Motel 8.  Undaunted, he requested an e-mail address to send a flyer to and asked me to keep their establishment in my thoughts.  Now, my e-mail I could easily provide.  My thoughts, however, are limited.  So, after his e-mail arrived, I paid no more mind to it until about a week later, when I got this:

“Panda-

Great to speak with you last week on the phone.  Just checking to see if you received the e-mail that I sent to you with the attachments?  I just wanted to check and see if you have any questions or if you passed it to someone who might.  Hope all is well in your world.  Let me know if you and your company may have any future hotel needs.”

Now, I typically feel obligated to respond to these sorts of things out of some professional business reflex I’ve somehow picked up.  However, some other mysterious force requires me to respond to them like this:

“Yeah, um, I got the e-mail and all its accoutrements just dandy.  Everything looks rather posh and also rather outside my personal spending ability, not that that really matters.  I did notice the conspicuous absence of any numbers (as in, the bling) though I guess it’s not so posh to include those on a brochure.   It’s probably on my mind first and foremost given what I make here, not that it really matters.  Again.

That’s how well things go in my world.

Anyway, it doesn’t seem like we have any questions about this sorta thing at the moment.  I don’t know how far off it is for the next person to come visit us, and I also don’t know how (or if) we accommodate them when they do, but I’ll see if anyone’s down with y’all th’next time it comes up.

- Panda “This Is Why I’m Not in Sales” Johnson”

Yeah.  See what I mean?

As you can tell, I am of two minds about this.  I can tell that I am being odd, and that this is more often than not an undesirable trait when in the realm of professionalism.  And yet, I also feel as though it is preferable to being drab and stodgy, as I imagine most e-mail communication with this particular fellow is.  My personal motivation is to be interesting and lively, but not rude or disrespectful.  I suspect that some believe that these are mutually-exclusive goals within this space, but I’ve decided that I’m not going to try to reconcile that perspective with my own anymore.  Put another way, I am someone who just refuses to be boring, and by extension, to be bored.

For the curious, his response to that was short and clearly uninterested in addressing my strange personality and vernacular.  And y’know what?  I’m totally cool with that.  My takeaway is that this is why he is the sales manager for a chain of expensive hotels and I am the guy who answers the phone all day at a small office staffed by quiet, mild, and otherwise normal people.  I wonder with what frequency my boss wonders how he ended up with me.

My experiences have led me to understand one thing for sure:  Culture and society is made up of an incredible hodgepodge of games that people must play in order to get what they want.  And I seem compelled, if not somehow required to play them wrong.

…why is that?

Part of it is personal amusement, I admit.  However, I think it has more to do with how I find the stoic adherence to routine and repetition to be the single biggest flaw with society’s complex interpersonal systems.  I also understand why it’s necessary, and therefore do not seek to disassemble the entire construct and reform it into something more agreeable to me.  Rather, I’m the guy pointing at the squeaking gears, echoing the sound it makes with my voice and looking around to see who smiles.

Very few do.

Wouldn’t you know it, all that inspired me thus was playing Age of Conan yesterday.  It began with a small thing, just the repeated requests from other players to have me group up with them as I went about doing my own thing.  Every time, without any real consideration, I would deny it, my gut saying “Why on earth would I want to do that?”  Upon reflection, this is a Strange reaction to have.  I mean, this is ostensibly what people play MMO games for.  Yet here I am, my immediate reaction firmly set to reject random offers to play in a group.

This, I have realized, is because I play MMOs when I want to play by myself.  When I click that icon on my desktop, my head is in a “please leave me alone” space.  That is also a handy explanation for why I enjoy Age of Conan to the incredible degree that I do — there is an entire single-player game complimenting the traditional MMO experience that tells your character’s history and ongoing storyline.  A band-aid on the issue of MMO storytelling, granted, but I still find it quite effective at doing what other MMOs don’t even try.  Personally, it’s exactly what I want out of this game space: MMO mechanics and longevity wrapped in an environment that I can play in completely by myself.

The more I considered it, I came to realize that the converse of this personal phenomenon is also true.  I think playing single-player games, especially those with complex story arcs and dense gameplay, is much more fulfilling with others present.  However the logistics work out, the experience (dare I say “emergent game-playing”?) is unlike anything that an intentionally multiplayer game has ever given me.  I wish I knew of one, or had an idea on how to make one, or even just how to convey how much it would mean to me to have something something deliberately designed to be that way.  Perhaps I am alone in this feeling, and such a thing should therefore never exist.  And y’know what?  I’m totally cool with that.

The point with all this is, admittedly, a selfish one.  I wish to understand myself, why I’m constantly asking questions that no one else asks, only to get answers that no one else seems to care about.  Working this out here has, at least, illuminated one corner of a very broad, dark picture.  So, score one for me.  As for you, well…  I have to ask — have you smiled yet?